Bicultural Identity

Here's a positive story on bicultural adoptees and their identity. Scroll down to the Bicultural Adoptees Struggle With Identity radio story.

Free Baby Stuff from Publix

Adoptive mamas, do you like free baby stuff? Then sign up for the Publix Baby Club. I just returned from my local Publix where I got all of this for FREE (well, I paid $0.95 for tax). The book is mailed to you along with coupons for these free items and also coupons for discounts on baby essential like diapers and what not. Oh, and be aware that these coupons do have expiration dates, so you may want to wait until closer to referral time to register. Loading up on all of this baby stuff serves as a good reminder that, yes, our babies are coming despite the fact that we (especially Nov. and Dec. LIDers)are all on pins and needles awaiting this next batch of referrals. Come on CCAA! We need some December referrals this month!

Craft for China Fundraiser

Right now on eBay, choose from a variety of handcrafted items that are up for auction, benefitting orphans in China. 100% of the proceeds go to benefit these children and Love Without Boundaries. Items range from handmade baby blankets, journals, paintings, jewelry and more. These would make wonderful holiday gifts and for a great cause. Click here to view items. Only a few days left.

Advocating for Joey

If you or anyone you know is interested in adopting a seven-year-old boy with special needs, please read his story. He is precious! His file goes back in one week, so please help spread the word quickly about Joey. He deserves a forever family!

Dual Identity

All adoptive parents should read this interesting article which highlights the perspectives of two teenage Korean adoptees.

Hope

Needless to say, there are some days when this waiting is no fun. Today is one of those days for me. You'd almost rather have all of your teeth pulled out than to be dragged here, there, and yonder by all of the rumors that start pouring in around this time of month as we get closer to the next batch of referrals...rumors that the cut-off didn't make it as far as you'd hoped, rumors that there is yet another slow down (how much slower can we possibly get!), and so on. On these days, you feel like crying your eyes out and giving in to the despair, but you decide not to do that, because deep inside, you feel that there is the tiniest bit of hope pushing you forward...making you more courageous. You think back and try to remember life before the adoption wait, and you realize adoption has always been there calling you. It's been written on our hearts for a very long time. It's shapes us into who we've become. So we take a deep breath on these days, and let ourselves be filled with the goodness of the day and drink the cup of Grace that comes along with it.

Motherhood

My friend over at Flourishing Mother had a thoughtful post today and referenced this quote about motherhood that I found very inspiring.

"I'd like to suggest that we stop thinking of motherhood as something we do, or even as something we are, and instead envision motherhood as a practice through which we ourselves are formed… We need to recognize that God uses parenting to form us, to shape our character, to move us toward being more like Christ. Our relationships with our children change us indelibly. Certainly, we are an important factor in their spiritual formation, but they are just as important in ours." ~Carla Barnhill "The Myth of the Perfect Mother"

One Man's Trash Is Another's Treasure

You just gotta love a neighborhood yard sale! I got these great two finds!

The Mandarin Week-by-Week Challenge

This will be the third week of my Mandarin Challenge. How am I doing? Not too badly, I guess. Of course, the more words that I add each week, the more they'll inevitably get garbled in this brain of mine, but mei guan xi. Something will stick, I hope. Care to join me in the challenge?

Celebrate

I've enjoyed hearing back from many who are excited to participate in our "100 Good Wishes Quilt" project. The support and enthusiasm overwhelms me to tears, and I become emotional with each email that I receive. All of this for our girl.

It's these kinds of memories that I need to document. The making of the quilt, the responses, the good wishes, the thoughts that stir in our heads as we wait. The one thing that is different with adoption is that we parents have to create memories and significant moments that our child can hold onto throughout their lives. They've lost everything...their birthdays, their birthmothers, their birth stories, their histories, intimacy with their birthmothers, their caregivers, their home country, their traditions, culture, language, and even their smiles. Devastating loss.

I read this mother's thoughtful post -- a gentle reminder to always celebrate the important moments in an adoptee's life. I love that these adoptive families have become an extended family themselves. Their girls, who shared the same orphanage, have a special bond to celebrate and a history to remember together. And each of these families, has an important day to cherish, the day their little one was placed in their arms and they became a forever family.

100 Good Wishes Quilt

To welcome and celebrate a new life, there is a tradition in the northern part of China to make a Bai Jia Bei, or "100 Good Wishes Quilt." It is a custom to invite 100 people to contribute a single square patch of cloth. The 100 patches are sewn together into a quilt that contains the luck, energy and good wishes from all the family and friends who contributed a piece of fabric. The quilt is then passed down from generation to generation.

Now that we are in the last stretch of the adoption wait, I've decided to begin the "100 Good Wishes Quilt" in hopes to finish it by the first of the New Year. We have specifically chosen over 100 families to participate in this project, friends, family members, neighbors and those we have met along the journey of our adoption. What a wonderful treasure for our daughter -- a quilt made with love and from the hearts of many special people in our lives.

This is how it works (I got these instructions from another site). Ask family and friends to do the following:

WHAT TO DO

1. Choose any 100% cotton fabric that you like. It can be from a piece of old clothing or from a fabric store. It just needs to have a design and color that you like. After washing the material, cut two (2) 8" squares from the selected fabric(s).

2. On the wish card, place a small swatch of the fabric and include your "good wishes note." Please include your name and city/state and country if outside of the USA. The fabric square will be used to make a quilt, and the note (with the small bit of matching fabric) will be placed in a keepsake box/book which we will give to our daughter when she is older.


IDEAS FOR SELECTING FABRIC SQUARES

· Select a fabric that is meaningful to you or that, for some reason, causes you to think of our waiting daughter.

· 100% cotton fabric is best, as it washes and wears better.

· If there are several members in your family, please feel free to send more than one good wish note and squares of fabric. In China, these quilts were originally made from the garments of family and friends, in order to surround the child with luck, warmth and good wishes.

IDEAS FOR GOOD WISHES NOTE

What would you wish for our waiting daughter to have in her life? Some ideas are good health, perseverance, compassion and a sense of humor. Use your values as a guide for your good wishes note. There are no right or wrong answers – let your personality, beliefs and values guide you! We asked you to be part of this project because we value your place in our lives! Sometimes people choose to incorporate into the wish:
· a favorite quote from a famous person;
· a cherished Scripture;
· a proverb or popular saying that resonates with them;
· or an excerpt from a song or poem that especially touches their hearts.

I have several quilts that my grandmother made, along with help from her mother, when I was younger. They are a beautiful token of her gifts and her love for her family. I hope that this "100 Good Wishes Quilt" will serve the same purpose for our daughter, Elyza.

Thoughts on Becoming a Transracial Family

I've been thinking a lot about race, racism, prejudices, "white privilege", and simply reflecting on becoming a multi-racial family once Elyza arrives. For instance, I wonder how many times a day I'll be asked, "Is she your real child?" (to which I'll sarcastically respond: no she's fake); "How much did she cost?"; "Are you her real mother?" (to which I'll sarcastically reply: no I'm her imaginary one);"Where did she come from?" and other such ignorant questions. Whether these are well-intended questions or racist ones, there will be many of them. So what can we do to prepare?

As parents, my husband and I must be sensitive and very aware of how we choose to respond to (or ignore) these questions. We must be conscience of what our daughter hears through not only our verbal responses, but also our body language. We must always be proud of our adoption decision, of our multi-cultural family, and of our child, communicating this through our words and actions. If we act embarrassed or ashamed, our child will interpret the response that way, leaving her with feelings of shame. If we allow others to make racist comments toward our family, we fail at protecting our child.

One of the most important tools for us is to always have open communication with our child. For example, after a scenario described above, we plan to ask our child how the question, posed by a stranger or friend, made her feel. We hope to discuss it fully so that she has an understanding of why we chose our response and what prompted the question. And in the instance that we didn't respond to the question the way that we had wished (we may be taken by surprise, angered, etc.), we'll explain to our child how we had aimed to answer the question.

Secondly, I believe it will be important to educate those who are in contact with our child. For instance, our child's teacher may need support or guidance as to how to approach the "family tree" lesson plan. We should feel comfortable to discuss with family members issues to which our child may be sensitive and also equip our family members with tools helpful in dealing with these issues.

And then there are those questions that will be asked of us by our child. "Why did you adopt me?" "Why did you choose to adopt from China and not somewhere else?" These questions will be asked of us parents at every stage in our child's life. We will need to have honest, yet age appropriate answers to these questions.

Giving our child a sense of belonging is critical. Our children, though fully American, are also fully Chinese...yet, they are not. huh, come again? Well, if my child, as a teenager, were to be teleported to a street somewhere in China, she would identify with the faces on the street, but she would most likely not speak the language fluently, nor would she know all the Chinese customs that Chinese teens know, and so on. Likewise, in America, our Chinese-American children will be most familiar with our culture. However, they will be the minority. Dolls, models, cartoons and a host of other things are usually depicting Caucasian persons. Likewise, when they look into a crowd, the faces will generally not have the same features as their own, and in our case, neither will her parents and extended family. Therefore, our children are caught between two cultures, identifying with both and with neither at the same time.

It's unfortunate that there is not more minority representation in books, magazines, etc. given that "being American" means more than being white-skinned. More and more products have become available that represent racial diversity, but we are still somewhat limited. All of these social cues communicate something to our children. This being the reality, we aim to be very deliberate in what we choose for our daughter, such as books that depict ethnic diversity.

So, here I am, pondering these things as we embark on new territory, being first-time parents and becoming a transracial family. I'm glad for it. Learning as we go, just like all the rest, and hoping, by the grace of God, to make our best effort for our child.

Warning: Adoption Begets Shopaholism

Isn't it a known fact that adoption begets shopaholism? Darn it, I keep getting outbid on ebay... and oh,oh,oh, I did not need to find the itty bitty ladybug today, being that I have shopping on the brain. It's a classic children's boutique with an ASIAN flair...how perfect. And check out the artwork! Um, honey, is it too late to redecorate the nursery?! And, oh, of course, China Sprout is also always a good go-to. I'm not typically a "shopper", but this wait time is doing something to my hormones, I guess. I'm about to order one of every size if I don't get a referral soon!!

A Little R & R

Our new favorite place for a little R&R...Fall Creek Falls.

Latest Rumor

I have butterflies in my belly...there are rumors that December LIDers are now in the matching room, which is quite possible given that the last batch was through November 25. You don't know how happy it makes me to see our LID month on the radar! I'm still hoping for a referral by November! It's speculated that they'll get through Dec. 5th or so for the October batch of referrals.

The Mandarin Week-by-Week Challenge

Okay, so as I mentioned in my previous post, I'm trying to learn some words and phrases in Mandarin. This week's words are a little easier than last week's phrases -- I love you, mother, father, and yes (to permit).

I did a little surfing online and found this helpful tip regarding the tones. When saying the flat tone (1), it's like singing a note. For the rising tone (2), raise your eyebrows when saying the word. For the falling and rising tone (3), drop your chin and then raise your eyebrows when saying the word. For the falling tone (4), yes, you guessed, drop your chin. I found these tips to be helpful amid the butchering of the Chinese language that I had managed to do in one brief afternoon. I'm sure that I could make more progress if I enrolled in a class, and I plan to do that once our daughter is a little older. For now, I'm just braving it solo. Feel free to jump in and join me in the Chinese linguistic gymnastics!

Are you LID 12.12.05?

I've had a wonderful opportunity to meet (online) a few other folks who also have a 12.12.05 LID. It's kind of like sharing a birthday with someone -- a unique bond. I'd love to locate others who share the same log in date. If your LID is 12.12.05, please feel free to leave a comment on this blog entry with your email address or a link to your blog site. The folks I've met so far, have been a great support during the wait.

Chinese Moon Festival

September 25 marks the date of this year's Chinese Moon Festival, a mid-autumn festival and one of the most celebrated among the Chinese culture. As you know, our family will become Chinese American with the adoption of our daughter. As a Chinese American family, we hope to celebrate the Chinese culture fully so as to foster knowledge and a sense of pride in our daughter's heritage and homeland.

About the Chinese Moon Festival (from here and here)

The Chinese Moon Festival is on the 15th of the 8th lunar month.It's also known as the Mid-autumn Festival. Chinese culture is deeply embedded in traditional festivals. Just like Christmas and Thanksgiving in the West, the Moon Festival is one of the most important traditional events for the Chinese.

The Moon Festival is full of legendary stories. Legend says that Chang Er flew to the moon, where she has lived ever since. You might see her dancing on the moon during the Moon Festival.

The Moon Festival is also an occasion for family reunions. When the full moon rises, families get together to watch the full moon, eat moon cakes, and sing moon poems. With the full moon, the legend, the family and the poems, you can't help thinking that this is really a perfect world. That is why the Chinese are so fond of the Moon Festival.

Chinese family members and friends will gather to admire the bright mid-autumn harvest moon. Accompanying the celebration, there are also additional cultural or regional customs, such as:
Barbecues outside under the moon
Put pomelo rinds on one's head
Carry brightly lit lanterns
Burn incense
Plant Mid-Autumn trees
Light lanterns on towers
Fire Dragon Dances

The moon cake is the food for the Moon Festival. The Chinese eat the moon cake at night with the full moon in the sky. See picture above.

Sorry, Southerners, Moon Pies don't qualify!

9-11

Let us not forget the cost of Freedom.

Heroes

Heroes are among us...

1. An inspiring story of a 15-year-old girl, adopted from Peru and the difference that she is making in the lives of orphans.

2. Feel like being a Hero today? Love Without Boundaries needs our help.

3. Grandmothers are heroes too. A touching story of a grandmother's unconditional love.

Twins Born Six Years Apart

I love my little sister. Well, actually, we think we are really twins, but our mom just forgot to mention it.

Ni e ma?

Today I took the big leap -- I'm attempting to learn some Mandarin. I decided that each week between now and our referral, my goal is to try to learn at least 3 words or phrases starting here on Haiwang's Chinese Learning Blog.

AdoptionBlog.com lists a few other resources, but I find that Haiwang's blog seems to suit me best.

Getting started is the hardest part (well, aside from trying to learn the most complex language I've ever heard, let alone, spoken). So I whipped out the dry erase board to make it official; there's no avoiding the poster-sized Mandarin word chart; it's like those paintings in an old haunted mansion...you know the ones where the eyes appear to stare at you from every angle. Egad! Haunted by Mandarin...that's a new one.

Things in their Identity

A tree gives glory to God by being a tree. For in being what God means it to be, it is obeying Him. It "consents," so to speak, to His creative love. It is expressing an idea which is in God and which is not distinct from the essence of God and therefore a tree imitates God by being a tree.

The more a tree is like itself, the more it is like Him. If it tried to be like something else which it was never intended to be, it would be less like God and therefore it would give Him less glory.

No two created beings are exactly alike. An their individuality is no imperfection. On the contrary, the perfection of each created thing is not merely in its conformity to an abstract type but in its own individual identity with itself. This particular tree will give glory to God by spreading out its roots in the earth and raising its branches into the air and the light in a way that no other tree before or after it ever did or will do.

Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

photo: flickr

The Perfect Autumn Evening

Ahh, welcome the arrival of autumn! It's a season that brings a lift my soul and to the senses -- the sounds and smells of an outdoor fire drifting through a crisp evening, the beauty of the trees as they display their plaid coats, and the enjoyment of sharing a bottle of wine among friends under a starlit canopy.

I do wish that I had a gathering place such as this featured in this month's Southern Living. Landscape architect, David N. Brush, designed this lovely retreat. He and his family happen to be dear friends of mine. He, without a doubt, knows how to capture the quintessence of a glowing autumn evening...so dreamy.
Photo: Southern Living

CCAA, Don't You Know What OFF Means?!

Ummm, *hello*? Didn't I say that I wanted OFF of this ride? Well if I'm still hanging up here in the air and my feet aren't touching the ground, then explain to me how that is "OFF the ride"!

The CCAA only matched 4 days worth of referrals this month. What a bummer! What happened to baby by Christmas? Let's get back on track here, CCAA.

So the cutoff for the September batch of referrals is November 25 LIDs. We're December 12 LID. And the wait goes on...as I hang on to dear life on this perpetual carnival ride...unbelievable!

photo by Brian Jacobsen

Signs That the Wait is Getting Too Long and That You Are Becoming a Little Neurotic

1. You rock your cat or stuffed animal to sleep
2. You look in the backseat of the car and talk baby talk as if there were a kid there to respond
3. You borrow every neighbor's kid and try them out in your new baby carrier
4. You start thinking maybe you should change your child's name because you're getting bored with this imaginary (insert name) that wanders around in your life
5. You start eating baby food and drinking from a bottle (um, baby bottle that is)
6. You purchase a cd of lullabies to help your baby sleep...the baby who is still sleeping in a crib in China
7. You've hit every clothing sale every season since you started the process and you don't have any idea if they'll even fit
8. You've waited so long that you start dreaming that when you finally do meet your child in China she's 14 years old instead of 14 months
9. You've got a college fund started but no one to send to college
10. You've had way too many birthdays since you started the process
11. You compare yourself to an elephant, who though, despite having the longest gestation of any other animal, has already given birth to her baby (elephant gestation is 22 months, which is longer than any land animal...uh, guess they didn't include adoptive parents in that survey).
12. You flag down every UPS guy that drives in your neighborhood thinking that maybe, just maybe, your referral is just lost in his truck somehow.
13. You start telling your friends and family..."I swear I'm not lying about this whole adoption thing, honest!"

These signs are somewhat in jest, but some are true for many of us waiting parents. Are you waiting? Feel free to add your signs to the list!

Latest News

We were hoping for a miracle...still are actually...that CCAA would at least get through November 28 LIDs. But it seems, though, that this month's batch of referrals is in route, and the rumor is that the CCAA only got 2 days worth of referrals matched despite the other rumor that they may have gotten through some of December applications. It's absolutely unbelievable how long it has taken them to get through the November applications -- it's been 4 months and counting! This is such a disappointment! At this rate, we could be December or later getting our referral, though we were hoping for a baby by Christmas. This roller coaster is really nauseating. Get me off of this ride! Dramamine, please.