Connecting Adoptees to Their Ethnicities

An excerpt from the NY Times, "Relative Choices: I Am Not a Bridge" written by Sumeia Williams.

"I’m not an expert by any means, but I do rely on my own experiences. I think exposing adoptees to their birth culture is a given. It can offer them a sense of continuation rather than that of having been conjured out of thin air. Just as importantly, having access to and being made to feel a part of communities with similar ethnicities can go a long way. This would require parents to live in or close by and actively engage members of those communities. In my opinion, it does little good for transethnically-adopted children to spend rationed amounts of time in culture camps or among peers with similar ethnicities. To some adoptees, it can feel like being given a warm blanket only to have it yanked away again as they return to their isolated environments.

Because of my own experience, I think transethnically-adopted children may have more success connecting with their communities here in the United States. I connect more successfully with second- and even third-generation Vietnamese Americans rather than those from my own. Vietnam is the country of my birth, but like many of those second- and- third generation Vietnamese Americans, my identity is deeply embedded in American soil. I find commonalities with them in everything from questions of identity to a love of both American and Asian pop culture.

Discussions on race and racism can help children to recognize when they are being discriminated against in order to not fall victims to it. This would require parents to learn to see through the eyes of a person of color — what may become the eyes of their children. The adoptive parents I most admire are those who educate themselves on the subject of racism and become actively involved in its prevention. If my parents had done this, it would have shown that they not only cared about me, but the community of which I’d come to feel a part of — if I’d felt a part of it. Becoming actively involved can also illustrate positive ways with which to deal with racial discrimination and prejudice.

Perhaps the role of the adoptive parent could be viewed, not so much as a bridge, but as a builder of bridges, connecting their children to themselves and their ethnicities. As parents, the ability to find and develop the tools is in their hands, not in the hands of their children. Of course, there is no one solution or guarantee that it would achieve the desired outcome. I don’t think it should be a matter of end result, but of preparing a child to deal with the challenges they face as they come into their own."

Love Without Boundaries

I absolutely adore the organization Love Without Boundaries. I consider Amy Eldridge, the founder, a Saint as she and others have brought so much hope into the lives of orphaned children.

She so eloquently and candidly writes from the heart in her blog about her latest realization:

"There have been many moments in my life that I have had deep realizations of truth. I remember vividly the moment I realized that there was absolutely no difference between the love I felt for my biological kids and those who were adopted. My realization: that love has nothing to do with genetics but everything to do with your heart. What a wonderful truth to discover.

I remember just as well the moment I stood over a tiny baby’s crib in China and knew he needed heart surgery as quickly as possible and that I was one of the only people who knew that he did. My realization that day: that we can never allow our own fears of taking a risk and failing stop us from action. I was heart pounding scared to ask my friends to help him, but I learned the very real truth that we can accomplish amazing things when we step out in faith.

Not all truths bring joy, however. Some cause real sadness. But I believe all truths bring a clearer understanding of life. I have been struggling the last few months with the truth that my two youngest children lived as orphans. Of course I knew that….since that is the only way they can be in my family today. But recently, this truth has become much clearer to me, as recently I became a grandmother, and I have been able to see every day what a newborn baby wants and needs.

My grandson Asher is a total “tub of love”, and I would be happy holding him up to my cheek all day long if I could, just breathing in his babyness. We live to serve him, and to hear him cry even for a few minutes causes my heart pain. It seems like the second he makes noise, his mom moves into action. When he is hungry, he gets fed. When he is tired, he is rocked to sleep with a silk blankey and a lullaby. We spend hours gently talking to him, making eye contact, and letting him know that he is absolutely, 100% cherished.

In my great love for this child, however, I have had to face the deep realization of what my own two youngest children missed completely. My children never knew what it felt like to be an infant with a devoted mom. Even with the most loving of caregivers, I know my children knew hunger, knew loneliness, and knew bewilderment and frustration that their needs weren’t being met when they cried for help. They were orphans…in a room filled with babies and one lone woman trying to meet their most basic of needs. Of course I knew this somewhere inside of me because of my work, but the full knowledge of it didn't take root until the arrival of my grandson. This realization has caused me great pain, because I love my children so completely. How I wish no child had to be alone. Every baby deserves someone to come when they call.

I look at my grandson, who has never known a moment of pain since his birth, and give such thanks that he is with us. And I look at my own beautiful Chinese children and am amazed and awed by the strength they probably don’t even realize they have. They are such incredible kids, filled with joy and laughter and hope, even after living as orphans. My newfound truth is that children have an unbelievable capacity to trust us, even when adults have let them down in the past, and even when no one had time to come when they called. My latest realization is that all of our children who have faced a portion of their lives as babies without mothers, never being tenderly cradled or rocked to sleep with a song…..all of those children are heroes to me. Their ability to trust again humbles me, and the love they so purely give to us shows me every day the absolute strength of the human spirit.

Let us all keep working to help those who still wait. Truly, they deserve all we have to give."

Amy Eldridge Executive Director

Chinese Babies

Interesting film about Chinese babies by Paul Merton.