Drive-by Culture

I have a confession to make. I had every intention of attending a gathering in the park to celebrate the Chinese Moon Festival this past September. I'm generally an outgoing person, but, as I was parking my car, I gazed at, what appeared to be, a very social crowd of Asian families...and fear overcame me. I immediately thought, What if they don't accept me? Will I look stupid being the only white person in the group? So I kept driving, angry at my cowardliness, that I had given up so easily, and used the excuse that I'd feel more comfortable coming next year with my Chinese daughter. I guess the one positive outcome from the situation, that I hadn't anticipated, was that I had, in fact, stepped into the shoes of a person of color...as a minority. The fear of not being accepted was very real for me at that moment. I empathized with the feeling of awkwardness, being among a crowd where I didn't "fit in"...feelings that, no doubt, my daughter will have throughout her life. However, despite learning this lesson, I was still so disappointed in myself for failing to do what I had planned to do - to introduce myself to an ethnic community to which the path of adoption has brought me.

After reading these two posts today, my experience resurfaced (though I had hoped to just sweep under the rug and not share with anyone).

Jae Ran Kim at Harlow's Monkey wrote this in her post "Drive-by Culture":
"The advice I can give is that each child will be different and their needs will be different over time. But, the choice to be involved in the child’s community should never be dependent on the child. Well, I mean that there will be times that the child won’t want to attend culture camp, language lessons, or have tacos on Tuesday and egg rolls on Wednesday. But being part of the child’s community is more than those things, which amount only to cultural tourism. Being part of the community is dependent on the adults. The parents. It’s that the parents attend a Korean church or a Black church for themselves. Because they value it. It’s not about “dropping the kids off at the curb” and coming back to pick them up later. That suggests that culture and diversity is the kid’s job."

And Sue at My Life Postponed had this to say in her post, "Why We Go To Culture School":
"I don’t take my kids to culture school for the things they will learn. So far they have learned a few Hindi letters and a couple of facts about Gandhi that we could teach them at home, with help from google. But I am finding that if I participate in the classes (where appropriate) the learning curve for JL is much more rapid.

I take them there for the relationships. If I cannot model comfort with people of their own origin, then they will pick that up very fast and feel and reflect my own discomfort. I am not always comfortable but I have kept practicing comfort, as best I can, until it becomes more natural and it truly has. And once in awhile, in the midst of what feels like a whole lotta posing, an authentic connection just happens.

I want my kids to know Indian children who are adopted and Indian children whose families (by my daughter’s words) “got to keep them”. And I do want them to know cultural stuff but I also want them to know cultural expression varies according to family and region.
None of that comes without the risk-taking it requires of me–already awkward introvert–to actually establish and have relationships with people from their country of origin, and people who have descended from immigrants from their country.

Sometimes I have to be the first to say hello, and have to smile a few times before the ice gets broken and sometimes the ice remains regardless of my effort and I take the cue to step back. I am also learning that just because someone is not immediately smiling and opening their heart to me, that does not mean they are hostile. Maybe they are shy; maybe they don’t know what to make of our family; maybe there is a language barrier; maybe they have a headache; maybe they have mixed feelings about the environment or someone else nearby and I am taking a vibe–not meant for me–personally.

Community building is not easy for any of us. But we sure can make it easier for each other, if we keep trying. It requires vulnerability, and it requires persistence, and a lifetime commitment. Oh and a thick skin. It all starts with some basic manners, which can be difficult to remember when we are feeling plagued by all kinds of discomfort that systemic racism has taught us.

It’s a responsibility that, for our childrens’ sake, we transracially adoptive parents should not evade. If we want our children to know that we accept them for exactly who they are, a genuine desire to be with and respect people who share their ethnic background is an important aspect of showing–rather than saying–how we feel."

Multicultural Toys

I am sooo digging the Multicultural Toybox blog! What a great resource for parents!

Thoughts on Becoming a Transracial Family

I've been thinking a lot about race, racism, prejudices, "white privilege", and simply reflecting on becoming a multi-racial family once Elyza arrives. For instance, I wonder how many times a day I'll be asked, "Is she your real child?" (to which I'll sarcastically respond: no she's fake); "How much did she cost?"; "Are you her real mother?" (to which I'll sarcastically reply: no I'm her imaginary one);"Where did she come from?" and other such ignorant questions. Whether these are well-intended questions or racist ones, there will be many of them. So what can we do to prepare?

As parents, my husband and I must be sensitive and very aware of how we choose to respond to (or ignore) these questions. We must be conscience of what our daughter hears through not only our verbal responses, but also our body language. We must always be proud of our adoption decision, of our multi-cultural family, and of our child, communicating this through our words and actions. If we act embarrassed or ashamed, our child will interpret the response that way, leaving her with feelings of shame. If we allow others to make racist comments toward our family, we fail at protecting our child.

One of the most important tools for us is to always have open communication with our child. For example, after a scenario described above, we plan to ask our child how the question, posed by a stranger or friend, made her feel. We hope to discuss it fully so that she has an understanding of why we chose our response and what prompted the question. And in the instance that we didn't respond to the question the way that we had wished (we may be taken by surprise, angered, etc.), we'll explain to our child how we had aimed to answer the question.

Secondly, I believe it will be important to educate those who are in contact with our child. For instance, our child's teacher may need support or guidance as to how to approach the "family tree" lesson plan. We should feel comfortable to discuss with family members issues to which our child may be sensitive and also equip our family members with tools helpful in dealing with these issues.

And then there are those questions that will be asked of us by our child. "Why did you adopt me?" "Why did you choose to adopt from China and not somewhere else?" These questions will be asked of us parents at every stage in our child's life. We will need to have honest, yet age appropriate answers to these questions.

Giving our child a sense of belonging is critical. Our children, though fully American, are also fully Chinese...yet, they are not. huh, come again? Well, if my child, as a teenager, were to be teleported to a street somewhere in China, she would identify with the faces on the street, but she would most likely not speak the language fluently, nor would she know all the Chinese customs that Chinese teens know, and so on. Likewise, in America, our Chinese-American children will be most familiar with our culture. However, they will be the minority. Dolls, models, cartoons and a host of other things are usually depicting Caucasian persons. Likewise, when they look into a crowd, the faces will generally not have the same features as their own, and in our case, neither will her parents and extended family. Therefore, our children are caught between two cultures, identifying with both and with neither at the same time.

It's unfortunate that there is not more minority representation in books, magazines, etc. given that "being American" means more than being white-skinned. More and more products have become available that represent racial diversity, but we are still somewhat limited. All of these social cues communicate something to our children. This being the reality, we aim to be very deliberate in what we choose for our daughter, such as books that depict ethnic diversity.

So, here I am, pondering these things as we embark on new territory, being first-time parents and becoming a transracial family. I'm glad for it. Learning as we go, just like all the rest, and hoping, by the grace of God, to make our best effort for our child.

Creating a Multi-Racial Home Environment

I love these suggestions for creating a multi-racial home environment.

Addressing the Transracial Issues

I've added a new list of links to my blog under "Transracial Family". It's important that we, adoptive parents of multi-racial families, be proactive in educating ourselves about the challenges that come along with a multi-cultural family. It's not simply making sure that we live in a neighborhood or send our children to school where there is racial diversity, cook Chinese food once in a while, or learn a few words of their native language. It goes much deeper than these things. We must be committed to providing the kind of support that our child needs when facing racial issues.

The Anti-Racist Parent and Multi-Racial Sky are among some of the most helpful resources that I've found. They offer thought-provoking insights into the lives of transracial families. I encourage all adoptive families to begin reflecting upon some of these issues addressed on these blogs. Unfortunately, though the world is home to many races, it is not free from racism. As transracial families, we do need to think about our responses to the different scenarios that will arise due to the uniqueness of our family, ultimately fostering our children in such a way that they are comfortable with their skin color and with their heritage. I found this recent post particularly interesting.